As Happy As Your Unhappiest Child
There’s a popular expression that I really dislike: You are only as happy as your unhappiest child. A lot of people accept this as immutable truth.
When children are young, parents dream about the future that lies ahead. We may hope they marry, have children of their own, become compassionate doctors, brilliant lawyers, maybe even successful wealth managers.
But what a shock it can be when a son or daughter grows up and leads a life completely different from what you envisioned. They may struggle in ways that seemed unthinkable when they were babies or toddlers and you had it in your power to sweep away their troubles with a warm hug or a few words of love.
What does this have to do with Wealth & Fulfillment? This blog is about helping you use the bounty of resources available to you to build a more fulfilling life. If you believe you are fully dependent upon the well-being of your children, you are no longer in charge of your own happiness because their welfare will inevitably wax and wane over time.
Please don’t misunderstand me. This is hard. I am not dismissing the enormity of these burdens. Watching your adult child struggle can be tremendously painful, particularly with intense challenges such as addiction, depression, or life-threatening illness. Even milder difficulties—job loss, marital strife, financial stresses—bring heartache.
As a wealth manager for more than 30 years, I heard many sad stories from clients who took on their children’s suffering as their own.
How do we avoid getting caught up in this spider web of worry, regret, and angst? As my own children grew, and my understanding evolved thanks to life lessons and years of therapy, I began to advise clients to distinguish between what I call a Reality to Face (RTF) and a Problem to Solve (PTS).
First and foremost, it’s important to accept the principle that our adult children are meant to lead their own lives independent from ours. You may believe you know what’s best—but you don’t. They need to figure out their own way forward. That’s not a parent’s job once they’re grown. Your job is to live your own life while supporting your children’s dreams in a way that reflects your values and priorities.
Then consider whether what the kids are facing is a Reality to Face or a Problem to Solve. An RTF is something you don’t want in your life that you have no power to change. Maybe it’s cancer, alcoholism, or major depressive disorder. These are beyond your control. A PTS, however, is within your control because it can be solved.
Once you distinguish between what you can and can’t control, your task is to figure out when to trust your children to take care of themselves. Each situation is different. Adversity is part of life. We all get knocked down. We learn to dust ourselves off, get up, and try again. This is how we grow stronger and wiser. The more you believe your adult children can navigate their own challenges, the more they believe in themselves.
But sometimes they need more than your love and encouragement. You can’t cure cancer—that’s an RTF. You can help with some of the related problems like offering to pay for a specialist, for example. It’s vital to learn to accept RTFs and focus on problems that your adult children, and sometimes you, can fix.
When you are feeling stuck, always remember that PTS are never too big, you just need to muster more support. Use your wealth—not just your money. You are rich in resources, among them your time, your character strengths, and your personal and business networks. When you are struggling with separating your child’s struggles from your own, a good therapist can be invaluable.
Here’s another tool that we often forget. The power of our own example. Take opportunities to show adult children how you navigate troubling times. Demonstrate the need to reach out for help from friends and family. Let them see you confront your own fears, however awkward and messy that might be. Give yourself compassion when you make mistakes and make sure they know about them. Above all, model for your family how to face up to Realities to Face while remaining hopeful for the future.
You can be a loving, supportive parent of unhappy adult children without becoming so wrapped up in their troubles that they cloud your own well-being. I hope you will give this some thought, even if you remain unconvinced.
I admit, this is not easy. In fact, it’s agonizing to watch your children or anyone you love struggle with gut-wrenching challenges. Just remember that all progress is made in small steps, with abundant compassion for our children and ourselves.
Until our next conversation,
David
Small Steps & Worthy Questions
Think about your child’s strengths. How will those strengths help them navigate their current challenges?
Are you constantly worrying about your child? Talk to a friend who has figured out how to support a struggling child without fixing problems for them. See a therapist who can help you process your feelings about this.
Be there for your child. Don’t offer fixes or solutions. Offer them a safe space to talk about their problems. Listen to with empathy and compassion. Express confidence in their ability to figure out the path forward.
What is your reaction to my perspective? Do you think I’m unrealistic or coldhearted? Consider talking these ideas over with a friend. I’d love to hear your candid feedback.
I think these words of wisdom should start applying when children are teens, especially by high school. I think many people underestimate their teens’ abilities to work out their problems, to search for information, to take initiative to ask others’ opinions who have gone through similar challenges. Parents can be sounding boards earlier in life to help their children grow more independently. And as a parent I don’t always have the right answer for today’s challenges which are different than what I experienced as a teenager or young adult. Once again David, very good blog.